


Insomnia

by sunshine_idiots



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Rating May Change, bed sharing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 21:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine_idiots/pseuds/sunshine_idiots
Summary: As the day of Zero Requiem approaches, Lelouch is apprehensive about his fate and the things he’s left unsaid. Suzaku is the only one he can confide in.He can't mend their broken relationship, but they're willing to forget, if only because they both desperately need someone. Just a little bit of comfort, before losing the most important person in their lives.It's not easy to die, but it's harder still to die alone.





	Insomnia

The bedsheets were pulled tight around the mattress, a scented candle had been lit beside the bed, and his sleeping mask was waiting for him atop the puffed pillow. He had completed twenty three out of the forty tasks listed on his checklist. Or perhaps, he should be calling it a bucket list. He only had one month left, after all.

He shook the grim thought from his head – there was no need to burden himself with unnecessary angst. All tasks at hand had been cleared, and Lelouch vi Britannia was exhausted and ready for bed. He had done everything he could, and all there was left was to let the sun set on his day.

A fitting metaphor for what was to come.

The afterimage of the ceiling light faded as he closed his eyes and wriggled into the satin sheets, crisp and unwrinkled, as he liked them. The pleasant aroma of lavender wafted across his nose. The maids had done a good job, he should thank Sayoko later, though at this point even all the comforts in the world wouldn’t be enough to ease the tension in his body.

Thoughts from the day played in his head, fragmented, rapid, anxious, even as he relaxed his head into the pillow.

Making sure the world would be set up for Nunnally’s rule in only one month was not a small ask, and he hadn’t had a moment of rest since he’d woken this morning. He had met with several important members of the EU and Chinese Federation likely to be brought back into power once Lelouch fell, and had brought them under his Geass. They would aid Nunnally. He had also reviewed and revised several Britannian laws often abused by the rich and corrupt, most notably the loophole which the noblemen had been abusing for decades to use numbers as free labor–

Damnit, he was supposed to be sleeping. Lelouch closed his eyes harder, and rolled onto his side. He had to stop overthinking everything or he’d die of exhaustion before he could even carry out his plans.

Still, he had done everything right, from the perfectly set up room, working himself harder than ever during the day, and even taking 10 minutes before bed to take a hot shower and unwind. By all means, his head should have hit the pillow and passed out, and he had felt close to doing so several times during the day.

So why did he feel so wide awake?

He opened his eyes, sighing at the shadowed room. It had been like this for three days since he had had _the talk_ with Suzaku which had ultimately decided their fates.

Suzaku would become a murderer, one last time, stabbing him through the heart. Physically, he wanted to clarify, because Suzaku had caused his heart plenty of emotional trauma. Not that it mattered anymore, this was larger than them, forgiveness was not a requirement.

During the day, such grandiose thoughts of creating a better world and the planning, the practicalities, distracted him from the truth of what would happen. But lying in the still darkness, more selfish, crude thoughts surfaced.

_I’ll be the only one who won’t be allowed to experience the world I created._

He tried to think of the positives.

_Nunnally will be able to build a peaceful world, like she always wanted._

_Suzaku will finally be freed from his guilt, knowing that he is serving his punishment by living as Zero._

But he wouldn’t be there. Even if everyone was doing well, he wouldn’t be able to see their smiles. If they suffered, if it all went horribly wrong, he wouldn’t be there to help.

Selfishly, he thought that he wanted them to miss him, mourn him even. He didn’t want to be remembered only as the Demon Emperor, mortal enemy of the world.

Lelouch opened his eyes, and was surprised to find they were damp. He wiped his face on the sleeve of his gown, and palmed the side of the wall to find the light switch. This was going nowhere. Why did his mind insist on getting so fired up when all he wanted to do was rest? His hand found the switch, and the lights flickered on instantly.

He squinted at the harshness of the light, but seeing his room brought him back to reality as he’d hoped. His gaze lingered on the familiar gold framing around the mirror, the ornate patterns carved into the pillars, familiar from his childhood. There used to be pictures hung up on that frame. The grandfather clock in the corner told him it’d been two hours since he’d settled into bed.

There was no point staying in bed like this, he might as well get up and do something rather than stay trapped in his thoughts. He tossed on his fluffy purple robe and made for the exit with a determined march. The door creaked as it swung open.

And hit a body.

Lelouch yelped and stepped back, staring at the dark shapeless mass on the floor, which was now wriggling and making groaning noises of pain. On closer inspection, the body was wrapped in a sleeping bag. A cloud shifted in the window behind him, and the moonlight lit up the face of his Knight, Suzaku Kururugi. He rubbed his eyes, staring groggily up at Lelouch, and then mumbled at him.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Lelouch just narrowed his eyes at him in disapproval. “What are you doing, lying on the floor outside my room?” Suzaku had done many idiotic things in the past, but honestly, there had to be a limit to just how stupid he could get.

Suzaku blinked as if Lelouch was the clueless one here. “I’ve been here every night, you haven’t noticed?”

Of course he hadn’t noticed – why would he even suspect anyone to be sleeping outside his quarters? He couldn’t come up with an answer, and in his sleep deprived state he didn’t have the energy to run through every possibility.

“Why?”

“To protect your Highness, of course,” he said. “You have guards at the entrances and in the hallways, of course, but your personal suite is unguarded. I wouldn’t leave your safety in any hands but mine.”

Lelouch sighed. Of course it was some unneeded noble intention, Suzaku joining him didn’t mean the stubborn chivalry in his heart had been stamped out. Still, he had to admit it felt kind of good to be on the receiving end of said loyalty rather than targeted by it.

“I’m perfectly able to defend myself,” Lelouch said.

Suzaku looked like he was about to laugh, and Lelouch had known him long enough he knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth – _“Lelouch, you couldn’t defend yourself against a goose.”_ – or something like that.

But Suzaku’s gaze was resting too long on Lelouch’s left eye, the one that had cursed so many under the spell of Geass, and Lelouch realized he wasn’t going to say anything at all. They had both realized, Lelouch _could_ defend himself.

“I mean…when you’re asleep,” Suzaku said. “You can’t do anything. Also, there are several people who know of Geass now, any of them could…”

“Right,” Lelouch said. It wasn’t common for Suzaku to blather like this – he must have been truly worried. So what would be most helpful was... “I appreciate it.”

Suzaku’s eyes widened, and he looked like he was about to smile. But his gaze rested on the emperor’s robe on Lelouch’s shoulders, and seemed to come to his senses. “I’m glad to be of service to your Majesty.”

It wasn’t the reaction he’d expected, but maybe he should have. Every time it felt like they were on the brink of becoming just Suzaku and Lelouch again, there would always be a reminder that everything was different. As much as they played their parts during the day, why couldn’t Suzaku just let that all go when they were like this now?

Suzaku tilted his head. “But Your Majesty, why are you not in bed? Do you require some water? Are you hungry? Anything I can-”

“Come inside,” he said. Lelouch hadn’t planned for the words that came out of his mouth, yet the second they left he felt it was the best idea he’d had all week. He wanted to talk to Suzaku, and it was hard to find the time and privacy during the day. They hadn’t had a proper conversation since their talk establishing the Zero Requiem.

Suzaku looked uncomfortable and averted his gaze. “I can’t come into Lelouch vi Britannia’s quarters.”

“Well then tonight I shall be Lelouch Lamperouge,” he said simply. “And I want you to be Suzaku Kururugi, not the Knight of Zero or anything like that. Those are orders. The truth is, I couldn’t get to sleep, but perhaps company would help me forget the load on my shoulders.”

Suzaku frowned. “If you wanted to forget your burden, I’m not the one.”

“I told you, we’re playing make-believe.” Lelouch closed his eyes. “That’s what we decided, isn’t it? For the Zero Requiem, we will forget the past and move forward into the future.”

Suzaku gripped the edge of his sleeping bag and gave Lelouch a long look. He would pretend that Lelouch hadn’t betrayed him the way he had, and Lelouch would do the same. They’d argued enough, worked through their mutual issues during their last long talk, so all that was left now…was forgetting. The hardest part.

“Fine, I’ll stop treating you as Emperor just for tonight. But I can’t promise I can just act as if everything is fine.”

“I know,” Lelouch said. He knew Suzaku kept the Knight act for a reason – it helped keep it impersonal, just a job, not as fraught with emotion about their shared past and Euphie’s murder. If he dropped it, well…things might get a little heated. He had to be prepared for that.

Suzaku climbed out of his sleeping bag and Lelouch was not surprised to find he’d slept in his Knight of Zero outfit. He rolled his eyes and grabbed Suzaku’s hand, guiding him silently to his quarters.

Lelouch sat on the bed, but Suzaku lingered as he entered, then just stood in the middle of the room, looking at him stupidly.

“Sit down,” Lelouch said. “Do I really need to tell you that?”

“Yeah, but-” Suzaku trailed off. Lelouch had no doubt he had been about to say something stupid about not being worthy to sit on the emperor’s bed. “Okay.”

He sat, rigid as a board and hands cupped in his lap. His nervousness only made Lelouch feel uneasy. This whole invitation had been done on a whim, and he hadn’t planned ahead to what they were to talk about. They’d already said all there was to be said about Euphie, about Nunnally, and Zero. There was nothing to be regained from retreading those old topics.

What had they used to talk about? It had seemed so natural to talk about whatever came to mind, before. Every topic he thought of was either related to their fates and thus not allowed to be discussed, or in danger of treading on landmines.

“So,” Suzaku said before Lelouch could think of anything. “How are you feeling?”

“What kind of question is that?” Trust Suzaku to want to talk about _feelings_.

“Well, you said you’d been having trouble sleeping,” Suzaku said. “I was just thinking, there must be a reason.”

“Yes well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?” Lelouch sighed. He was feeling exactly what you’d expect a man planning his own death to feel. “Sorry, I don’t know why I called you here, I don’t really have anything in particular to say.”

“No, that’s fine,” Suzaku said, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to do either, but…I’m glad to have a chance to just be with you again.”

They sat in silence for a while, their breaths lingering in the air. It was a different silence to before, more apprehensive than awkward. Suzaku had probed, and now it was up to them whether they continued down that line.

It wasn’t something Lelouch often thought about, how he felt, not when there were far more important matters to attend to. It didn’t matter how he felt about his fate, it simply had to be done.

But now that it was confirmed and the preparations were being made, it felt so real. Even in this farce of a life, waking up each day, doing his work as emperor and for the Zero Requiem, there were things he would miss.

“I’m afraid.” Even though he had said them in barely a whisper, the words sounded so loud in the dim room. Lelouch clasped his hands together, and shook his head, waiting for Suzaku’s dismay.

Suzaku wasn’t taken aback by his sudden declaration, but just looked at him with such sympathy it made him want to look away, or else be swallowed whole by his light.

“Of course you are.” A pair of hands folded around his, warm and gentle.

 _Of course you are_ , he had said as though it was the most natural thing in the world _._ Of course there was nothing wrong about being afraid, even if his death was the right thing to do.

“I know you’re the great Lelouch who saves people with a careless expression on your face, and you’ll probably face your death the same way, but…you’re still human.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “And well…I’m afraid too.”

“Yeah?” He hadn’t considered that Suzaku might be feeling similarly, he hadn’t given any indication of his worries at all. Was he worried about having to play the role of Zero? Afraid of throwing away his old identity and everything with it?

“Yeah,” Suzaku said, smiling. He didn’t expand any further, and Lelouch didn’t want to ruin the progress they had made by pushing too far. There was plenty of paperwork he had to do tomorrow morning, and he _had_ invited Suzaku here to sleep.

“I want to sleep,” Lelouch said. Suzaku nodded and stood immediately, arm in front of his chest as if awaiting Lelouch’s command.

“Shall I sleep on the floor, your Majesty?”

Lelouch resisted the urge to roll his eyes, the idiot never learned. “The bed is plenty large enough, so I won’t have a word against that.” When Suzaku looked hesitant, he added, “It’s the best way to protect me before the Requiem if you’re right beside me, isn’t it?”

Suzaku couldn’t argue with that. Lelouch gave no room for backtalk before stripping off his robes and hanging them on the wall. He turned back to find Suzaku quickly averting his eyes and looking quite pointedly at the wallpaper.

Rather unnecessary, he thought, given how often they’d changed in front of each other before, but Lelouch let it go. The other boy looked so on edge, clearly uncomfortable now that he was being asked to sleep in his emperor’s bed.

“We used to do this all the time as children,” Lelouch said, hoping to lighten the mood a little. “You remember how we used to huddle for warmth in the winter.” He smirked. “You’d steal all the blankets, of course.”

Suzaku smiled, the tension melting from his face at the reminder of happier days. “Well, it’s not my fault what I did while I was asleep, you should have had the strength to snatch them back.”

Lelouch turned to tuck the sheets in properly again, just the way he liked it. Fabric rustled behind him, probably Suzaku folding his sleeping bag up.

He spun around, mouth opening to give another reply, only to stop and stand still at the sight before him.

Suzaku’s gloves and arm sleeves lay on the floor beneath him, and he was currently reaching behind to unzip the rest of his outfit. The shoulders of the outfit slid off like silk, pooling around his waist, and then his hands slid down to his belt...

Suzaku looked up, as if sensing his gaze, and Lelouch realized how intently his eyes had been fixed on his stripping figure.

He grabbed for something to do – his hands found the pillows – and he began to fluff them. Damnit, he’d let his mind drift too much in his tiredness.

Suzaku turned away, but if his eyes weren’t deceiving him, his face was a lot redder than before.

It seemed Suzaku was a lot shyer than he used to be, which was ridiculous really, considering how well built his body had become form his military training. The afterimage of his sculpted chest was still burned into the back of Lelouch’s eyelids.

Lelouch shook the invasive thoughts from his head, shed his robe and hung it on the nightstand, and slid into the sheets (from the top of the bed without disturbing them, of course). Not long after, the sheets rustled as Suzaku joined him.

As promised, there was plenty of room in the King sized bed, but something about that human presence made it feel instantly warmer than before, and a lot less lonely. There was still a careful distance between them he didn’t like - not long ago, they would have thoughtlessly slept side by side, legs touching and heads inches apart - but Suzaku had come, and that had to be good enough for now.

The lights begun to dim, and he found himself taking a deep breath out as if in relief. Things felt different. Even though he hadn’t said much apart from admitting he was afraid, it was like some of the unbearable weight had been lifted off him. The previous tornado of thoughts in his mind felt muted, insignificant to the current moment where Suzaku lay beside him.

After everything that had happened, none of it mattered. He cared so much for him. His first friend. His dearest friend.

“Good night.” Suzaku’s voice was soft. “I hope you sleep better tonight.” He had rolled over to face Lelouch, eyes glowing with a tenderness Lelouch hadn’t seen reflected in them for a long time. He’d almost forgotten just how _kind_ Suzaku could look, not when he was so accustomed to narrowed eyes and scorn, even hatred. But why was he acting like this now, when he’d been so hesitant before?

Was he the kind and loyal Knight he had acted as to Euphemia? The brash and arrogant child he’d been? The bitter and conflicted Knight of the Round? He realized he didn’t know who Suzaku was at all anymore.

“Suzaku…”

“I’ll protect you, so you have nothing to be afraid of,” he said.

Lelouch couldn’t do anything but nod.

“Good night,” he said, his reply far too late to be natural.

There was so much more he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how to put into words any of the other emotions buried deep in his chest, they’d been there too long to be so easily dug out.

There might have been a shadow of a smile on Suzaku’s face in response, he couldn’t tell, the lights had fully dimmed. The clock ticked by in the background and Suzaku’s breathing slowed, his silhouette of his chest rising and falling like the waves in the ocean.

He didn’t remember drifting off, only the sensation of being drawn in by the comfort and simplicity of Suzaku’s presence.

For the first time in months, he felt at peace, and when he dreamt that night, there were no nightmares, just a hand reaching out for him, and a gentle smile.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been like a year since I wrote the draft for this, but I discovered it and thought it was worth salvaging. I wrote this after drowning in tears after Zero Requiem and wondering what state Lelouch would have been in before that. I think he deserves some comfort in his very tragic life so here we are.
> 
> (Also I know I said 'most important person' in the summary and you can argue Lelouch's is Nunnally but the idea was too poetic for me to toss. I personally believe Suzaku is just as important but in a different way but YMMV)
> 
> As always, I appreciate your comments! It's so motivating knowing other people like your ramblings :D I may or may not continue, not sure at this point but I do have some ideas. Thanks for reading!


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